Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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