So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
FUCK WHALES
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize