look no pants
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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