Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
