Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
