There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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