Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
