you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
