Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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