She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
