I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize