I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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