Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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