We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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