how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
