I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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