She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
