don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
