do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
