that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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