so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
