Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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