Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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