I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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