Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
