cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
