WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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