i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
