My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
