that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
