why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
