your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
