the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Is it because I queefed?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
