'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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