nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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