He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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