hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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