can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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