he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The chlamydia really affected his face.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
