sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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