I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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