I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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