I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There's always time for handjobs
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
