I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
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