I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
