Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
