I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
