I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My penis needs a shock collar
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My legs feel like baby dolphins
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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