and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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