I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize