i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
