i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We are two peas in an std pod
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
