Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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