ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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