girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
