Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize