You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
