I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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