textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
