where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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