Swine flu. Run for my life!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I enjoy the company of your penis
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
