I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
