I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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